Those voices are discussing Marjorie Taylor Greene, the triple-named American sensation that, like Jonathan Taylor Thomas, overwhelmed the nation before fading into obscurity.
As the far-right congressperson commemorates her first full month in office, those attuned to conspiracy thinking are beginning to ask themselves the same question: doesn’t a house member from Georgia’s represent a deep state?
Like her compatriots on the steps of the U.S. Capitol, Ms. Green has taken the country storm.
She was elected, in part, on a platform of late-stage conservative politics, pledging to stand up to “radical socialists” like Liz Cheney, protect the second amendment by ending gun-free zones to fulfill our founders’ vision of open carrying loaded automatic rifles into churches and schools to keep the peace during Cub Scout Meetings, and defend the unborn by co-sponsoring the Life at Conception Act, which will identify the sound of a fetus’ first heartbeat as the noise your phone makes when it registers a match on Bumble.
But the 46-year-old Crossfit enthusiast also knows the value of a good cult, which must be why she’s fervently endorsed QAnon, the mass delusion that makes Scientologists seem rational and well-informed.
While her platform appears to be light on concrete policy proposals, she’s peddled an Amway catalog’s worth of conspiracy theories; among her greatest hits are claims that 9/11 Pentagon attack was fake, the 2017 Las Vegas shooting was orchestrated by the government, the Sandy Hook and Parkland school massacres were staged, California wildfires were triggered by Jewish “space solar generators,” and that Rolex you picked up in Chinatown is actually a Timex.
Many of Greene’s colleagues in the world’s oldest standing democracy have taken issue with her questionable stances — she’s sucking so much oxygen out of the air that they’ll soon need to install auxiliary carbon capture machines whenever she opens her mouth within the Hall of the House.
Today, House Democrats are moving forward with a vote to strip Greene of her committee assignments, which would free up her calendar to pursue other issues that directly affect her constituents in Georgia, like getting to the bottom of whether or not Hillary Clinton engineered the death of JFK Jr. through a twenty-year deep state plot to turn him into an inexperienced pilot in a rush to get to a wedding.
But on Wednesday, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy refused to move forward with an admonishment of Ms. Greene, believing she shouldn’t be punished over her controversial statements and beliefs — after all, everyone’s got at least a few skeletons in their closet. Marjorie’s just happen to be whispering in her ear.
Now, others like Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell have character her “loony lies” as a “cancer” for the party, but his prognosis neglects to mention that it’s become a bit too late to begin exploring treatments for her stage four metastasis.
Ms. Greene isn’t just the future of the Republican party — she is the Republican Party. The only reason I’ll stop short of characterizing her as its natural evolution is because there’s no way that she believes in evolution.
George Bush once described Ronald Reagan’s fiscal policies as “voodoo economics,” and the party heeded his message by buying keeping the doll and finding new places to stick the pins. Vince Foster. Birtherism. Benghazi. Pizzagate. Dominion voting machines. We wouldn’t have a blue sky if it wasn’t for George Soros.
One of the reasons I started this program was that I don’t like having to endure the whole, “Republicans are good, democrats are bad,” vice versa, arguments that masquerade as news, because, to borrow a phrase from Mark Ruffalo’s groomer, there’s gray everywhere.
But this isn’t a gray matter with Greene because the circumstance surrounding her gray matter is black and white. I wouldn’t trust her to spot me picking up a tire in her gym, let alone serve on the House Budget and Education Committees.
But she’s comfortable enough to find a home in the Republican Party, a so-called “big tent” that’s carved out room for everyone from the lion tamer to the fortune teller who wants to murder Nancy Pelosi for putting fluoride in her water.
I take issue with many on my side of the team, like those arguing over the semantics that 1,400 plus 600 does not equal 2,000, but at least the reality caucus is striving to address issues that haven’t been manufactured by the cover editors at the Weekly World News.
Earlier this week, CNN’s Donie O’Sullivan reported on a late-20s mom who got sucked into the QAnon craze last year and found her way out after President Biden was inaugurated in January and the moon didn’t plunge into the ocean.
She openly and honestly admitted to being someone who never kept up with the news and fell into the madness thanks to the algorithms of Facebook and TikTok, which resemble reputable news sources as much as John Travolta’s toupee resembles hair.
One of the things, she said, that would have broken the spell earlier, would have been if Mr. Trump fully disavowed QAnon in public, a premise about as likely as him disavowing adultery and the flavor profile of a ribeye steak left on the grill at 300 degrees for 45 minutes.
But not only are there additional Q supporters in Congress, and many continuing to deny the legitimate election of Joe Biden, but the likes of McCarthy are pretending that, not only do they not know what QAnon is, they don’t even know how to pronounce it! Determining whether or not a squad of agents needs to apprehend movie stars who have been eating the faces off of infants might seem like a noble cause, but the first order of business is nailing down the semantics.
It’s encouraging to hear that people can be sucked out of this void, which is why we must continue to apply radiation to whichever districts or platforms through which the disease has spread.
Refusing to punish and expel absolute maniacs will only encourage more bad behavior; I can only imagine what our worst instincts will look like in 12 years, like the cancel-culture retribution of future California representative Armie Hammer, and his powerful proposal to solve Earth’s humanitarian crises with just a little more seasoning.
And pressuring Congress to do something about the likes of Facebook, whose own data scientists warned the company last August that misinformation and hate that’s fostering political violence in this country was spreading across its top “civic-minded” groups, might help return the app to its neutral state as a place where you occasionally pretend to foster a farm instead of an insurrection.
Because if we don’t keep working to stave off a world that’s bogged down by Crossfit weirdos, pillow salesmen, and other like-minded grifters who call into question the motives of gravity, the rest of us will be left peddling our own sad and debunked conspiracy to the next generation: that the United States was once a wise and powerful country.