Those voices are discussing election fraud, the fatal flaw in our system of self-governance that allows competing fathers throughout the nation to declare themselves the World’s Greatest Dad every June.
In the midst of an ongoing campaign to deny Joe Biden the presidency though baseless allegations of fraudulent voting, concerned citizens across the nation are asking themselves the same difficult question: if you can’t trust the mark of a black pen connecting a confusing arrow on a giant piece of paper that’s fed into a scanner used once every four years operated by a minimum wage septuagenarian volunteer, what can you trust?
On January 6, Republicans are planning to object to the counting of electoral votes for President-elect Joe Biden, on the grounds that the tally may reveal an insidious, wide-reaching, un-American conspiracy known as math.
Over the weekend, Missouri Sen. Josh Hawley, who moonlights as a riverboat Seth Meyers impersonator, announced plans to object to the certification of the results 6 because “Missourians do not believe the presidential election was fair,” riding the same type of populist energy that led him to co-sponsor S.4136, a bill that provides relief when your brother gets all the cereal, and introduce S.1658, better known as the Come On, It’s My Turn to Use The Xbox Act.
As a remedy, many of his Republican colleagues are calling on Congress create a commission to audit the results of the 2020 presidential election, hoping that the 7 million-plus votes President Trump lost by will be tabulated differently and tell a different story, like when you flip over your calculator to reveal that the numbers actually spell the word “BOOBS.”
As it’s been reported in news that’s not broadcast out of whatever high school classroom typically reserved for the morning announcements that Newsmax has commandeered since early November, election officials, as well as no-longer-officials like Attorney General Bill Barr, have found no evidence of widespread election fraud.
Perhaps that’s why in a leaked phone conversation, in which the audio flowed out of a smartphone speaker like a stream of piss onto the chances for Republicans to maintain control over the Senate,
President Trump hounded Georgia’s Secretary of State to “find” 11,780 “missing” votes that would change the result of the state’s election, in a move that demonstrated that the rallying call for election fraud was coming from inside the house.
Nevertheless, at least a dozen Senate Republicans plan to oppose Biden’s electoral college certification, and Mr. Trump is placing his faith in Vice President Pence to somehow change the outcome despite his strictly ceremonial role, which must be a painful chore for a man who’s lifelong mission has been to bring babies to term against the will of the people no matter the circumstance.
Like a game of charades, this charade feels like it’s been going on forever and nobody wanted to play in the first place.
We all know that Mr. Trump is incapable of accepting the result of election loss, let alone hair loss.
But the people sticking with him, thick and thin — let’s be honest, thick — aren’t just going down with the ship. They’re insisting that it’s the iceberg that’s actually sinking, and that iceberg’s a pedophile.
Ahead of the certification, supporters of Mr. Trump are descending upon Washington D.C. in a rally to “stop the steal,” which is either a throwback to the pro-union labor movements of the late 1800s spearheaded by amalgamated ironworkers, or a sad excuse to wear leather vests over t-shirts, open carry automatic weapons and light beers, and phone in a couple more vacation days after everyone else has gone back to work in the new year in a sustained effort to avoid reality.
They’ve been egged on through frivolous election lawsuits by the likes of conspiracy lawyerist Lin Wood, who claims that Chief Justice John Roberts is being blackmailed in a scheme involving the rape and murder of children captured on videotape, of which the most shocking allegation is that people still record on tape.
Others like Terry Harper, a committee member of the Texas Republican Party, thinks that Chief Mormon Mitt Romney should be “introduced to our friend Mr. Guillotine,” a Frenchman seeking to enlarge the opening in his magic underwear.
What’s bothering me isn’t just that some senators and representatives who were duly elected in November and have since been sworn into Congress, are saying that the very same election that brought them into office is illegitimate. I’d say it was a Groucho Marx kind of logic but they’d accuse me of being a communist.
I’m worried that there’s now a significant portion of the population that refuses to accept the very concept of loss, which, among other things, poses an existential crisis for the Detroit Lions.
Not being able to conceive that someone from a different party could be elected freely and fairly calls into question our entire system of government — and just as I was able to accept, and frankly understand, how someone could vote for an obvious used car salesman like Mr. Trump, our neighbors need to be able to accept, and frankly understand, how someone could vote for an obvious pair of dentures like Mr. Biden.
Until legislation is passed that, at a minimum, turns Facebook back into a photo album with a list of birthdays you’d prefer to not celebrate, as one major political party remains willing to entertain the notions of sedition, soft coups, and making deals with the devil as long as they result in Eames chairs for their seats in Hell.
But if a New Democratic administration can restore just a sliver of faith in the concept of good government, maybe we’ll be able to stop paying attention to every tiny and unverifiable detail about a voting machine manufactured by some obscure office park, and start paying attention to how to put a vaccine in a refrigerator without letting it spoil like a bag of lettuce.