Episode 61: Stop the Presidential Seal

In the sixty-first episode of The Latest, the forty-sixth president is apparent to everyone but the forty-fifth. My dad provides an O.J. Simpson Twitter Update.

Episode 61: Stop the Presidential Seal
Season 2

 
 
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Transcript

Those voices are discussing President-elect Joe Biden, the words 76 million Americans have been waiting four years to hear, and the words that one American has been waiting 48 years to hear. 

As a new administration prepares to take the reins of the United States come January, Republicans continue to struggle with processing the five stages of grief, as they’ve accepted that the president is angry that his bargaining skills depressed his own support, denying him a second term.

On Saturday morning, four days after Election Day, enough of the vote count made it apparent that the apparent winner had apparently won.

It was closer than you might have expected, like the elbow on the middle seat armrest belonging to the guy who didn’t care he was in boarding group C, but Biden nevertheless pulled out a win with a bigger share of the vote than Ronald Reagan did back in 1980, a quaint time when AIDS was the only disease that we as a nation chose to willfully ignore.

Biden’s victory led to spontaneous parties in the streets, even causing liquor stores in Washington, D.C., to sell more champagne in one day than over the last two New Years combined — a disappointing statistic for the party promoters at the Smithsonian Center for Rockin’ Eve’s — on the news that Mr. Trump had, indeed, been rendered just the third elected commander-in-chief since the end of the Second World War to lose re-election, joining Herbert Hoover, Jimmy Carter, and George Bush for the early-bird special at the International House of Presidents because they couldn’t muster up enough support to be invited back to brunch with everyone else.

But as of press time, the transition of power has not been made official through the General Services Administration, the federal organization that sounds less like an arm of the government and more like the menu where the option to change your MacBook’s wallpaper is buried.

Because of Mr. Trump’s refusal to concede the election, the GSA has refused to declare an “apparent winner” and has not provided the Biden Transition Team access to administrative support for things like background checks, office space, and computer equipment.

Incoming employees can’t even sign up for a government email address, making it impossible for Republicans to get outraged over the use a private server because they’ve yet to be granted any access to something they can circumvent. 

Even Melania Trump has refused to meet with the First Lady Elect — but, to be fair, that’s because the only thing scarier to her than a Biden presidency is an English professor

I didn’t want to be frustrated coming into this week’s episode — I wanted to celebrate the fact that the United States, through hell or high water, is still the beacon of light where a 78-year-old straight white man can finally realize his lifelong dream of being in charge of something.

But the refusal of many on the right to even acknowledge that it’s possible that a democrat is allowed to be elected to office, fair and square, after four years of “owning the libs,” “drinking liberal tears,” “fuck your feelings,” you cuck, is somewhat disenchanting.

GOP challenges to the Biden victory have already been defeated in the courts — and indeed, President Trump’s own fundraising emails to support a recount are raising money to settle the debts of his losing campaign. This is unprecedented — not the challenge to the election, but the fact that Trump is considering paying his debts. 

I never believed that Mr. Trump would accept the results of the election with grace, just as his skin on his face has never quite accepted that it’s never truly been kissed by the sun. 

But the amount of disinformation and lies flowing from the likes of sitting republicans, Facebook, and networks like Newsmax are making Bill O’Reilly look like Walter Kronkite.

International observers of the election have even stated that they’ve witnessed no voting irregularities — unless you count who decided they’d like to spend another four years waking up to push notifications for typos on Twitter authored by a borderline-illiterate racist as irregular. In that case, there were 70 something million.

In 2016, the left complained that Mr. Trump had won the election unfairly because of the media, the FBI, and Russian hacking — but nevertheless, President Obama and Vice President Biden met with Mr Trump and Mr Pence within a matter of days of the election being called in his favor, handing over the keys to the Airbnb and begging them to treat it with care, because, after all, it’s just a rental.

What I’d very much like to do is move on, flip the page, and at least try to understand and reconcile my differences with those who didn’t vote like me — but if the right wants to continue ignoring reality, whether it’s because they’re closing their eyes while a ventilator is shoved down their throat or plugging their ears because the TV man said something that they wish wasn’t true, we’ll have to keep treating them exactly as they are: sore losers.