As of press time, it’s barely 30 days until the presidential election — a length of time shorter than your Master Cleanse, Audible trial, and fitness challenge you’ve restarted six times since the quarantine began.
And for the first time in its storied history, from its humble origins as a show reaching dozens to its continued success as a show reaching baker’s dozens, this program will be endorsing a presidential candidate.
Listeners may remember that in 2016, we chose not to endorse Gary Johnson, in 2000, we declined to endorse Ralph Nader, and in 1996, we didn’t go public with an endorsement of Steve Forbes — not because these candidates weren’t quality choices, but because this program didn’t exist. It’s safe to say that times have changed.
The Republican incumbent is Donald John Trump, whose weight at 243 pounds is a number three times greater than his IQ and three times less than what he pays in federal taxes.
In the nation’s last presidential election, which bears little resemblance to today’s presidential election, which may be this nation’s last presidential election, Mr. Trump ran as the consummate outsider, a man who was not beholden to the special interests and whims of a traditional politician because he was already beholden to a string of banks, creditors, and foreign lender.
In assessing the nation’s problems in 2016, Mr. Trump declared that, “I alone can fix it,” showcasing the steadfast confidence of a mechanic who knew that at least of his customers that day wouldn’t bother to double check what was listed on the invoice.
While his desire for loneliness has since permeated throughout the culture, indeed rendering the U.S. passport as meaningless as a Livestrong bracelet, he’s nevertheless brought wide swaths of the country together and given a voice to the underrepresented: neo-Nazis, classic Nazis, and those who lack a formal education who share so many articles without reading them on Twitter that they’ve had to add a button that says, are you sure you’ve actually read this?
It’s a slight improvement over Facebook, a platform where you’re only encouraged to post articles that will help ensure that you never again speak to that acquaintance that you had already never planned on speaking with again.
The Democratic challenger is Joseph Robinette Biden Jr., a 77-year-old man who bleaches his dentures nightly as a means of diverting your attention from his dwindling hair plugs.
Mr. Biden has had a 47-year-career in Washington, the kind of statistic that should seem like an asset for a country that values experience but instead is rendered as a liability in a country that buys a new phone that’s exactly like the old phone every eleven months.
A life defined by tragedy, loss, and humility, he overcame a childhood stutter, the untimely death of his wife and daughter, and a brain aneurism so that he could go onto vote to invade Iraq, rip off speeches from a British politician, and tell a paraplegic in a wheelchair to stand up.
A self-proclaimed gaffe machine who’s already failed at running for president, Biden’s lifelong pursuit towards securing dignified work, fair wages, and equal opportunity has nevertheless left him well-positioned as the best alternative to the other man who’s failed at running as president.
In the interest of fairness, Howie Hawkins of the Green Party, Jo Jorgensen of the Libertarian Party, and Kanye West of the Birthday Party are also running as potential candidates to replace Jill Stein in future versions of Trivial Pursuit.
The Editorial Board Endorsement
The Latest with Greg Ott Editorial Board is basing its endorsement on one key criterion: which of these five people is Joe Biden?
As only one candidate meets this standard, The Latest with Greg Ott is proud to endorse Joe Biden for President.
We’ve reached out to the Biden campaign for comment, to which the candidate personally sent back this response:
We’re relying on a surge of donations over the next few hours to raise the $1.1M more we need through texts. Will you please chip in $12 right away?
The Editorial Board would like to make clear that we’re not simply rejecting Mr. Trump, as our role is not that of his mother.
Indeed, while the country desperately needs to relegate the entire Trump family back to the outskirts of Wikipedia where they belong, resuming their role as pop culture aberrations like the vuvuzela, John Travolta’s “Gotti,” and Burger King Satisfries, it’s not enough to just vote the man out and allow him to drag out the remaining days of his life In the slow-broiling cremation furnace known as Florida.
Make no mistake: everyone, from those who tune out the noise to the ones who still enjoy the songs, knows that we need a break from listening to this CD day in, day out, that we burned as a joke before starting this road trip four years ago.
But it’s just as important to embrace Joe Biden and the policies he represents.
Biden’s left-of-center platform seeks to competently manage the coronavirus pandemic, protect and extend the Affordable Care Act, tackle racial justice, address climate change, and the other types of policy things Presidents tend to do when they’re not preoccupied with manipulating hurricane charts with a marker, handing out McNuggets to college football players, and watching more cable news than an entire gate of delayed airport passengers combined.
Many on the far left have criticized Biden for failing to meet the moment, believing he’s less progressive than those obnoxious actors in white trying to sell you insurance.
But as Matt Yglesias at Vox has pointed out, many of the nation’s most transformative presidents, like Lincoln, FDR, and LBJ, were not rigid ideologues — they simply responded to their moment in time.
If you’ve waited in line at some barbecue place for two hours and they run out of brisket, the ribs are going to be fine, too — and certainly better than whatever microwaved sponge is being offered at the chain restaurant next door.
While Biden’s agenda is nevertheless progressive, his very presence as President may lower our heated culture back to room temperature.
The rule of law is under assault, racist fringe groups are emboldened, and the very social fabric has been torn apart by a guy who’d be happier spending an afternoon as a guest on Joe Rogan and calling it a week’s worth of work.
Republicans are not all bad people, but Mr. Trump — and those who are willfully ignoring the damage he’s inflicting on this country — are certainly not fulfilling their civic duty by tinkering with the mail, filing last-minute lawsuits, and closing ballot drop-off stations in order to keep citizens from exercising their right to vote.
The Editorial Board looks forward to being critical of Joe Biden, and stands ready to criticize him should he neglect to condemn white supremacy, shred the legal system, or forget to kill the filibuster and hamstring Democratic progress through 2024.
But in order to criticize Joe Biden, we must first elect Joe Biden — before we have to urge you to re-elect the man over Ivanka.