Episode 45: Police Secretion

In the forty-fifth episode of The Latest, we tear gas an episode about protests in Portland before tear gassing other podcasts throughout the country. The program also features an O.J. Simpson Special Report addressing Mr. Simpson’s eleven day (and counting) Twitter hiatus.

Episode 45: Police Secretion
Season 2

 
 
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Transcript

Those voices are discussing Portland, the hip west coast destination that’s home some of the country’s hottest up-and-coming trends, such as craft brew coffee, sustainable infrastructure, and fascism.

Given the circumstances over the past few weeks, clashes between protesters and unidentifiable federal authorities are demonstrating that the Beaver State is in a lot of dam trouble.  

Federal agents have been taking extreme measures to clamp down on protests under the president’s “Executive Order on Protecting American Monuments, Memorials, and Statues,” through which the president has assured his supporters that he won’t be taking down any of this nation’s beloved bigots, revered racists, and sacred slaveholders — unless they’re running for re-election and named Jeff Sessions. 

One protestor was seriously injured after being shot in the face with a non-lethal round after standing across the street from federal authorities while holding a speaker above his head. It was a scene straight out of “Don’t Say Anything.” (Did you know that the song “In Your Eyes” is about tear gas?)

Camouflaged officials have also been throwing protesters into unmarked vans, some of which appear to be rental cars from Enterprise, explaining the company’s new slogan, “Enterprise — we’ll pick you up, with or without probable cause.”

Authorities have even rounded up volunteers at Riot Ribs, a kitchen in the middle of the protest that passes out free ribs, tacos, and Beyond Sausages. You know things have really taken a turn for the worse in Portland when you take away their plant-based meats.

The governor of Oregon has called the use of Federal force a blatant abuse of power, the same phrase found on the Trump family crest beneath the Big Mac, klansman hood, and syringe filled with bleach. 

But allies of the president are defending his so-called secret police; after all, if they’re secret, you can nazi them.

Department of Homeland Security Chad Wolf says the feds are just trying to help, like the Red Cross organizing a blood drive for Dracula. 

And Mr. Trump himself has vowed to dominate protesters, just as he dominates the Junior Jumble after an aide fills in the first few words. 

But Mr. Trump is believed to be using Portland as a staging ground to further his political agenda, sort of how Taco Bell will test out its new cheesy potato and raccoon burrito in select markets before nauseating the rest of the country.

Indeed, Mr. Trump has said that he’s preparing to deploy camouflaged officials to cities such as Baltimore, Chicago, and Detroit, under the auspices of law and order in which the special victims unit is comprised of peaceful protesters.

Now, on the surface, it’s a cheap ploy, using crackdowns to cast Democratic-led cities as out of control hotbeds of unrest, in contrast to the idyllic and peaceful country landscapes of Racist, Indiana, Thrift Store, West Virginia, and No Manufacturing, Pennsylvania

But there’s also the possibility that he’s using this opportunity as a dress rehearsal, of sorts, for the upcoming election, getting goons ready for “inspecting” polling sites or “managing” crowds that take to the streets should the man lose and barricade himself once again in the basement.

Either way, I agree with Oregon’s governor, who believes that Mr. Trump was a confrontation to distract from the coronavirus pandemic, like a magician who steals your wallet while he saws your girlfriend in half.

And just as we shouldn’t believe that the man can organize contract tracing, produce his tax returns, or read at a third-grade level, we shouldn’t believe that he’s just trying to marshal in law and order, when he appears to be preparing to order martial law.