Episode 25: Super Two

In the twenty-fifth episode of The Latest, we vote for Super Tuesday before it turns into a regular Tuesday at midnight. Refinery process operator Zach Coleman, a member of the Union of Operating Engineers, Local 564, joins the program for this week’s O.J. Simpson Twitter Update.

The Latest with Greg Ott
Episode 25: Super Two
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Transcript

Those voices are discussing Super Tuesday, the all-important Democratic Primary event that tries to improve upon the worst day of week by incorporating an overwhelming amount of politics and math. 

Ahead of March 3rd, in which a third of all party delegates will get awarded to candidates, the Democratic field has begun to narrow like a suit at the NBA draft. 

Over the weekend, candidates that had no clear path to the nomination, such as Pete Buttigieg, stepped aside to leave room for other candidates that have no clear path to to the nomination, such as Tulsi Gabbard. 

Others, like Tom Steyer, are heading off to file a $252 million tax-write off for thousands of commercials and exactly one tie.

What’s left now appears to be a two-man race for the Democrats; come November, either Bernie Sanders or Joe Biden will be taking on Bill Weld, or, should Weld somehow lose the Republican nomination, businessman Donald Trump. 

A smaller Democratic field has long been overdue, and I’m sure Amy Klobuchar is already looking forward to her return flight to Minnesota, where she’ll eat another a salad with a comb, this time using her dandruff as shaved pecorino. 

Broadly speaking, progressives are getting behind Bernie and moderates are getting behind Biden, forming two different TSA lanes headed by septuagenarians who don’t know if they’re supposed to take off their shoes and belt.

But the choice between Bernie and Biden leave Democratic voters in a precarious position, like the intern tasked with dropping off the French Oscar for Best Director to Roman Polanski’s estate.

Once a nominee is chosen, many worry the party won’t come together to in the fall. Some Biden supporters can’t stand Bernie; some Bernie supporters can’t stand Biden. Me, I can’t stand the word supporter, which reduces your vote to a codpiece. 

Right now, I don’t have a horse in this race. Beto, Kamala, Pete, Elizabeth, Andrew, Michael, Oprah, whatever: as long as they’re running for president and their Twitter handle doesn’t have the word “real” in front of it, they’ve got my vote.

On the first episode of this podcast, I made it clear that I worry that Biden is showing his age — even the extended warranty seems to have run out on his hair plugs.

And dating back to 2015, I’ve never been a huge fan of Bernie Sanders — not because I didn’t like his policies, but because I didn’t like his rabid supporters, who make Taylor Swift fans seem reasonably well-balanced. 

But you know what? I didn’t like Hillary Clinton, either, because she’s haunted, but voting for her was an easier decision than canceling my walking food tour of Wuhan, China.

I don’t care if you’re a Bernie Bro, a Biden Boy, or a Bloomberg Bitch: at some point, it’s just going to come down to one of these people, except for Bloomberg. 

Did Biden vote for the Iraq war, and do his teeth sometimes fall out of his mouth? Absolutely.

Did Bernie vote alongside the NRA, and is his heart stuffed with more mesh than an electronic music festival? Absolutely.

And it doesn’t matter. Neither of these men are racists who ramble about toilets and fake weather predictions. 

If you live in Alabama, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Minnesota, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, or even American Samoa — which I know you’re not, based on my podcast stats — go out and vote Tuesday for the person you think would make a good president.

And if Bernie doesn’t win the nomination, vote for Biden. And if Biden doesn’t win the nomination, vote for Bernie. Come November, it’s the only option to restore a semblance of sanity to our everyday lives. And in the words of the current First Lady, it’s not that hard.