Those voices are discussing Bill Barr, the United States’ Attorney General who combines the integrity of Bill O’Reilly with the judgment of Roseanne Barr.
A series of recent actions by the attorney general have led many to ponder whether the Justice Department is truly blind or faking it like Stevie Wonder.
Early last week, the Attorney General made waves over Roger Stone, the longtime GOP “dirty trickster” who resembles the dead version of Mr. Peanut they decided not to use at the Super Bowl.
Mr. Stone had been found guilty of obstructing the Russia investigation and federal prosecutors suggested a seven-to-nine year prison sentence and to freeze any pending charges on his Men’s Wearhouse MasterCard.
But on Twitter, Mr. Trump called the recommendation “very unfair,” presumably drawing from a recent presidential briefing about a terrible, horrible, no good day encountered by a boy called Alexander.
Barr soon intervened to recommended a more lenient punishment, perhaps sentencing Stone to wear Joseph A. Bank suits instead of tailored pinstripe costumes stolen off of characters from Tony N Tina’s Wedding.
In response, the four lawyers prosecuting the Stone case abruptly resigned in protest, opting to pursue more ethical lines of work such as diamond mining, payday lending, and licensing the films of Roman Polanski for international distribution.
Making the most of a three-day weekend, the attorney general is also said to have assigned an outside prosecutor to look into the criminal case against former national security adviser Michael Flynn, a case so politically sensitive that even the Lady of Justice is breaking out in hives.
By week’s end, more than 1,100 former prosecutors and justice department officials have called for Barr’s resignation, which seems about as likely as Mr. Trump ordering the Grilled Chicken Salad at McDonald’s.
Now, Mr. Trump is not the first president to pervert the justice department — even though he seems like one of those high school principals entrapped by Perverted Justice.
John F Kennedy installed his brother Robert Kennedy as attorney general, who was accused of carrying out a personal vendetta against the teamsters that led to a three-and-a-half hour long movie that lost ten Oscars.
Richard Nixon famously upended the entire department through his “Saturday Night Massacre,” firing the attorney general, deputy attorney general, and special counsel investigating a quaint attempt to steal private data to boost a Republican candidate’s election.
So even if it seems as if Bill Barr is doing Mr. Trump’s dirty work, which he most definitely is, that’s because the Justice Department still falls under the executive branch and serves at the pleasure of the president, like the fleshlight that stood in for Melania on Valentine’s Day.
Barr’s actions may have damaged the Department of Justice’s reputation for integrity and rule of law, but none of us voted for Bill Barr, unless there was some sort of contest to find a guy who looked like one of those St. Bernards in the Swiss alps with a barrel of brandy around its neck for skiers trapped under an avalanche.
To use a phrase that isn’t uttered very often, Mr. Trump is responsible. And if this country still believes in nonpartisan judges, apolitical justice, and a judicial system that remains impartial, the only possible remedy is ensure this presidency remains partial.