Those voices are discussing the 2020 primaries, the state-by-state contests meant to determine which Democratic candidate will win the popular vote by tens of millions of ballots and still lose the electoral college come November.
With more than a half dozen candidates still in the race, eager Democrats are carrying out their due diligence to determine who is best posed to take on Mr. Trump this fall by endlessly kicking the proverbial tires to the point of feeling completely deflated.
Unlike other states united, which rely on traditional voting methods like ballots, Iowa prides itself on its archaic caucus system, which relies on flipping coins in a stranger’s house on a Monday night.
Delegates in caucuses are awarded through “gatherings of neighbors,” where adults are asked to uncomfortably mingle for hours in a gym with brighter lights, less alcohol, and more politics than your average high school reunion.
But this year, they could have used more chaperones: votes were miscalculated and delivered late due to a disastrous new mobile app deployed by the Iowa Democratic Party, marking the region’s biggest technological disaster since that tornado that took down the server that hosts Farmers Only.
Like the exit to a corn maze, the winner of the caucus has been elusive.
Candidates are seeking a recount to challenge the results: Pete Buttigieg believes he won the majority of delegates, Bernie Sanders believes he won the largest number of votes, and Deval Patrick believes the nine people who stood up on his behalf in a church basement must have been early for an AA meeting.
This lack of clarity is turning what should have been an engagement diamond election for the Democratic Party into a shotgun wedding cubic zirconia.
Ahead of Tuesday’s primary in New Hampshire, a poll released by the University of Massachusetts found that 64% of voters would rather see “a giant meteor strike the Earth, extinguishing all human life” than see Mr. Trump re-elected. The remaining 36% was slightly more centrist, willing to compromise on a meteor of average size.
Unlike the record turnout of the 2018 midterms that returned the House to Democratic control, turnout in Iowa was below expectations.
And I’m beginning to worry that this race is turning into “The Irishman” — it’s got a bunch of old guys everyone likes but whose time has come and gone, and we’re an hour and a half in and we’re not really sure this is the movie we signed up for — and even though we were super excited to see it, it’s still going on and we just kind of want it to wrap up and somehow stick the landing.
Because if it doesn’t, by the time the votes are cast, there’s a pretty good chance it’s going to lose to “Parasite.”